I don’t think I have the right to feel as I do.. she isn’t required to tell me anything. I’m not entitled to know shit. Or feel jealous over the choices she makes. She chose her.
I guess she didn’t tell me, because she didn’t want to hurt me…but I think allowing me to see it for myself instead, is about 4 times more painful.
I do not understand myself, still.
I don’t know why my peace of mind is distorted, I’m only a friend.. she doesn’t owe me explanations.
You know…sometimes my heart is anesthetic for what feels like aeons, and I find myself wondering which is worse; lack of feeling or feeling everything rip me apart slowly and then all at once. Although it feels good to be reminded that I am human, and that I hurt.. right now, I wish I were numb once again. Because all I’m being reminded of is that I wasn’t good enough to be her choice.